Walmart - A True Story


It was just an ordinary day, I was headed down to the Walmart in the backwash town of Cottage Grove, MN, to buy a radio for my brother (his old radio was stolen in the parking lot of Walmart). I got to the store and went to the radios located in the sporting goods section. I waited for about 5min until I decided to trek through the store to find someone with enough intelligence to help me.

After I got half way across the gigantic swamp of a super store, I was able to find one of the four people working. I asked, "could you unlock the radios for me?” the girl looked at me with dead eyes, she looked young but drained of all hope and ambitions. she replied in a way that seemed like it almost hurt to talk, “I don’t have the keys, but I can page someone to head over there to help you” It was enough for me. I made my epic journey through the sea of redneck hicks, past the valleys of useless off-brand products, and back to the sporting goods section.

I waited 15 more minutes and decided I should probably find someone else to help me because everyone knows Walmart employees only have the mental capacity for a 40 second long memory because of the large amount of the brain that has to be removed to work there. So, I ventured out for the second time, this time, all the way to the other end of the store. I finally found what seemed to be a manager. She had the most buttons and was the largest one i’ve seen there. “she must lead them” I though to myself. I kindly asked “could you page someone over to sporting good for me? I need a radio unlocked”

She smiled, reviling Walmarts poor dental plans, she replied “I’ll page someone in bit” I kept my cool. I consider myself a very laid back and level headed guy, without a word I headed back to the sporting goods section. I walked and walked for what felt like days, I finally made it over. I waited for another 15min, and then 15min more, I finally decided I needed to find yet another employee but I was running low on energy and supplies. I feared I wouldn’t be able make another hike across the store to just aimlessly wonder around in hopes someone will actually care enough to help me.

I was low on patience, and I had no other options. I had to call the store on my cell. I called the Walmart I was in and said “Could someone please come to the sporting good section?” A thick and heavy voice exhaled back saying “Someone should be on there way soon” I leaned on the glass radio display case and waited for only 10min this time and then left the store.

Thats almost an hour total, I could have have learned how to make a radio in that time. Or at least driven to another store that sells radios. I will not return, and I will not return the granola I stole while waiting. Because I ate in all.