Walmart - A True Story

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It was just an ordinary day, I was headed down to the Walmart in the backwash town of Cottage Grove, MN, to buy a radio for my brother (his old radio was stolen in the parking lot of Walmart). I got to the store and went to the radios located in the sporting goods section. I waited for about 5min until I decided to trek through the store to find someone with enough intelligence to help me.

After I got half way across the gigantic swamp of a super store, I was able to find one of the four people working. I asked, "could you unlock the radios for me?” the girl looked at me with dead eyes, she looked young but drained of all hope and ambitions. she replied in a way that seemed like it almost hurt to talk, “I don’t have the keys, but I can page someone to head over there to help you” It was enough for me. I made my epic journey through the sea of redneck hicks, past the valleys of useless off-brand products, and back to the sporting goods section.

I waited 15 more minutes and decided I should probably find someone else to help me because everyone knows Walmart employees only have the mental capacity for a 40 second long memory because of the large amount of the brain that has to be removed to work there. So, I ventured out for the second time, this time, all the way to the other end of the store. I finally found what seemed to be a manager. She had the most buttons and was the largest one i’ve seen there. “she must lead them” I though to myself. I kindly asked “could you page someone over to sporting good for me? I need a radio unlocked”

She smiled, reviling Walmarts poor dental plans, she replied “I’ll page someone in bit” I kept my cool. I consider myself a very laid back and level headed guy, without a word I headed back to the sporting goods section. I walked and walked for what felt like days, I finally made it over. I waited for another 15min, and then 15min more, I finally decided I needed to find yet another employee but I was running low on energy and supplies. I feared I wouldn’t be able make another hike across the store to just aimlessly wonder around in hopes someone will actually care enough to help me.

I was low on patience, and I had no other options. I had to call the store on my cell. I called the Walmart I was in and said “Could someone please come to the sporting good section?” A thick and heavy voice exhaled back saying “Someone should be on there way soon” I leaned on the glass radio display case and waited for only 10min this time and then left the store.

Thats almost an hour total, I could have have learned how to make a radio in that time. Or at least driven to another store that sells radios. I will not return, and I will not return the granola I stole while waiting. Because I ate in all.

Drug Dogs Now Trained To Smell Vape

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Yes, it is true, police dogs are now being trained to smell out the vapor that electronic cigarettes produce. We're not exactly sure why, so we've sat ourselves down with the officer John Morter, head of the police department of St. Paul, Minnesota, to ask him why they have decided to do this, and their goals.

"You see, out of all "vapors" the majority of them are actually high school kids. Now, once in a while, instead of doing something more helpful or productive for the community, we organize school lock downs and bring in our drug dogs to make sure there is no pot in the lockers or on any students. Now, because the majority of high school students are under the legal age to have nicotine, we've now trained our drug dogs to also smell out these vapes to crack down on kids illegally using them while simultaneously eliminating douche bags from schools. It's a win win"

To us, that seemed pretty odd, but if it helps lock away future white supremacists, it's a win in our book. Now of course, we had questions and concerns. For example, what about the 1% of people who actually started vaping to quite smoking? If they got pulled over by a K9 cop, things could get pretty confusing. And of course the big question, how did they manage to train these dogs to do such things? 

"First of all, there are like, three people in our city who are of legal age using E-cigs to quite smoking, Jim, Martha, and Greg. We have given those people a special card to keep on them so we can scan it, and they also have a bar code on their license plates to let us know not to search them with a drug dog. as for the training of our dogs, we actually didn't train them at all. Turns out dogs just hate vapers as much as we do."

Well, there you have it. You can hide your repulsiveness, but you can't hide your vape. We sure thing think these cops are on the right track by busting minors, and keeping schools safer (from drugs, not guns. Im not sure when they will start doing that.)

But anyways, we here at The Sad Factor wanted to do one last interview with Martha, one of the protected vapers in the community, to see how it has effected her, and what she thinks about his new wave of enforcement.

"It's pretty nice actually. When I get pulled over on my way back from a meth deal, the cops don't even think to search me. fucking idiots"

 - Martha

 

SoundCloud Rapper Ready For Big Break

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If you haven't heard the name "Lil Eddy" (and we know you haven't) he's an up and coming SoundCloud rapper and he's ready for the fame and fortune that every rapper dreams of. He reached out to us for an interview that will hopefully give his career the boost it deserves. 

"Ive released nine songs already, I'm up to 300 views on my last single, and I've even done a duo with my man, MO$$Y, who's got like, 2k followers. I know I have what it takes to keep moving forward in the rap industry"   - Lil Eddy

According to Eddy, he has been writing raps and free styling since he was in middle school. 

"Its like, shit just came to me, you know? I always had a notebook on me. I'd spit bars constantly in my head in school, on the bus, in my house, just.. everywhere. Its like music was a second sense or some shit."

In Lil Eddy's music, he takes about his troubled childhood, growing up in a rough neighbor hood where not everyone could afford a third flat screen TV, and of course, the hard music grind. Eddy told us that his music comes from real life experiences and things he dealt with as a kid, such as being the only white kid who wanted to be a Soundcloud rapper, and really, just being the only kid who wanted to be a Soundcloud rapper. We wanted to dig deeper into the life of Eddy and asked about his upbringing.

My dad is a lawyer, so he was really hard on my when I told him I was thinking about rapping, and maybe even smoking weed. He would tell me to "get a real job" or "get a real dream" and the occasional, "You won't get your allowance if you don't walk the dogs" Fucking scum bag. I don't talk about my folks too much in person, But if you listen to my first song "Raised 2B Bad" you'll get the bigger picture.

We refused to listen to that song.

Eddy told us that he would "link up" all his friends on snapchat and the feedback was always good. Eddy claimed to be the black sheep in his friend group. He told us that he was the only one passionate about the art of rap, and the culture behind it. We reached out to Eddy's friend, Aaron, he told us a little more about Eddy's big plans.

"Yeah I mean, we went to school together and stuff. He was always kind of off, one time he told me this story about how his dad took away his Xbox for a whole day and asked if I wanted to help him make a beat so he could rap about it. I said sure because i didn't have the heart to tell him to fuck all the way off, plus, I like making music in general. I actually thought he was joking when I herd the lyrics, "Always mad at my dad, I was born to be bad, fuck with me bitch, I got dawg tags" when I laughed he told me he would cut me up. And thats how I got banned from the studio at my collage.

After our interview, we told Eddy to never stop following his dreams. After Eddy got picked up by his girl friend, we watched them drive away in a cloud of smoke from some sort of drug or maybe a car problem. We decided it was best to block his number and not use his real rap name in this article to prevent people from listing to rappers on Soundcloud.